Given the content I’ve been posting lately about nostalgia, attachments, and the intrinsic connection we can still feel to people who have long since left our daily lives, I figured I’d take a moment to touch on my current personal situation. Leroy and I first met on February 12. It is now March 12. One month I have been seeing this man. One month, and I’m already so over his antics (and so are you, if you read the chapter on false hope and cynicism). Either way, several weeks ago, Thaddeus stealthily re-entered my life by following me on Instagram. One small step for man, one huge step for a man whose ego/god complex is what wrecked our relationship the first time around. Within days, he sent me a message casually asking how I’ve been. This is the moment where a lump appeared in my throat and I wanted to both run to him and strangle him at the same time.
You see, being absolutely in love with someone who seems to have no problem dismissing you and your affections only days after claiming their intentions of committing to you really does a number on a person. However, the hurt associated with that incident unfortunately didn’t manage to erase all the good feelings I had for Thaddeus. Of course, a fog of disappointment and anger settled upon them for a while but they were still there, just disguised by a thick cloudy layer of confusion, sadness, and resentment. A fog which you’d think I’d remember.
However, now we’re talking every couple of days. He told me he’s casually seeing someone, and I too have mentioned in passing that Leroy is around (although let’s be honest, not for long). This re-run is playing full-blast, and even though I’ve seen the whole episode, know how it plays out, know what the ending is like, I’m watching it from the start and absolutely revelling in my favourite scenes. We love re-runs because we long to re-live the moments that once made us utterly, incandescently happy, regardless of the hell that ensued not long afterward.
Here’s what boggles my mind so much though. This conversation with Thaddeus, while he’s with somebody, is proof of what I was worried about with him all along. He’s not loyal. He’s easily distracted and constantly swayed. He wants to settle down and be husband material but at the same time he doesn’t. I also think he might likely melt down once he finishes football. Sure, he says he’ll be a cop, but what? He’ll go from being the best in the league to being a 35+ year old force rookie? I’ve had the displeasure of witnessing several post-pro-ball-career meltdowns. One in particular, a man who was once rolling in a Benz and decked out in diamonds now lives in his mother’s basement and is flat broke. Not that this is all that relevant when it comes to the kind of man he is, but it’s something I’m factoring in.
Not only this, but he also can’t seem to stay away from visual temptations. Most women won’t respect other women enough to not send nudes or sexually charged pictures to a man who is involved with someone, especially a football player, and I already know that he won’t tell them to stop. The truth of the matter is that he doesn’t worship me. I don’t think he ever did. And even now, as I’m considering giving him a shot at a second chance, he’s not fighting for me. He’s not being honest with me or himself because he’s talking like we’ll get back together. But he can’t be bothered to put in the effort and why should he? He’s got some mediocre convenient ass where he’s at right now so why would he go through the extra trouble when all he really wants at the end of the day is to get laid and have somebody make him breakfast the next morning? He’s leading me on, is what he’s doing. Somehow he’s actually leading me on, again. It’s so infuriating. And what’s most annoying is that I’m letting it happen because I’m starting to feel hopeful. Why has my cynicism abandoned me? This is when I need it most! I need it in my ear reminding me every time he texts me of all the reason he sucks and is dangerous for my emotional wellbeing. I need it to remind me that I was a wreck when things ended between us and that the future I saw with him went up in smoke over the fact that he didn’t respect that I had a voice. Where is my voice now? It SHOULD be loudly telling him to go to hell, is where it should be. Yet I’m sitting here staring at this picture of him and I from the last time I saw him, and I can’t stop looking at it because we both look so happy; and I’m changing his name in my phone back to Thaddeus from “Disrespectful Piece Of Shit”; and I’m completely putting Leroy – who, admittedly, has been on thin ice for weeks anyway – on the back burner and trying to actually navigate how I could possibly have a future with Thadd. What the fuck?! Maybe I have amnesia. I must. Because even now after writing out all the reasons why I shouldn’t be with him, I feel this pull, this strange sort of automatic magnetism toward him, as well as a simultaneous guiltlessness regarding Leroy. Is that a sign that he and I are meant to be, or that I have absolutely zero control over the power dynamic between my logic and emotions? Not to mention, I was furious with Leroy from the get-go for still being in touch with his previous fuck-buddy, and yet now I’m operating on an absolute double standard, only worse, because Thaddeus and I were planning a future together, not just bump’n’grinding for the hell of it. This is where the moral relativism angle of my article on attachments creeps in. The things that Thaddeus left with me, emotionally, the things that I boxed up and stored way in the back of my mind, out of sight, are now seeing daylight again. And I just don’t know how to feel. I know that my left brain is telling me how I logically should be feeling, but my right brain is looking for a creative way for my emotions to reinterpret the logic into allowing me to be with Thaddeus.
I feel like a fucking idiot for even wanting him again. Can we touch on the fact again that he’s not even single right now? I mean sure, he says it’s new with her and they’re just causal but does that really make a difference in regards to me? No! Of course not. Yet here I am, in this predicament, all of a sudden adding Thaddeus back to the play board.
I’m really hating myself right now.