You know that emoji, the one with the side eye and the semi-frown that just completely embodies pure disappointment? I am that emoji; that emoji is me. For real.

ugh fml

I’m getting damn tired of these f*boys making a grand entrance onto the stage of my life only to sneak out the wing at intermission. Like I’m sorry. When I see a show I want the whole show, not just Act 1. GTFO with getting my expectations all high and then dropping me on my face.

See here’s what it is. I met this dude a week ago. We met up for the first time at a beach where he was having a BBQ with a few of his friends. It was instant chemistry, we just clicked, plain and simple. The next day he asked to see me again. From that point onward, we messaged each other all day every day for most of the week. Thursday night rolls around and he’s all “I wanna see you again” so I invite him over for wine/kickin it. We end up all cuddly and cute (gag) on the couch talking for several hours, during which he opens up to me about some things, so I reciprocate and also open up about some things – but may I point out again that HE initiated this big “discussion”, not me. Either way, we are having this great night and he asks if he can sleep over and I’m like “sure” and then we talk a little more and have really awesome hot sex and then as we’re getting ready to go to sleep for the night, he acts like he’s all tripping out about his car being parked on the street and “oh this is a bad neighbourhood” and “oh I don’t wanna get towed”… yeah… okay…

So this is when it becomes painfully obvious to me that he’s trying to bow out and for a minute I was thinking “this MF just wanted to get laid and so that’s why he was being all cute” which is probably about 80% true but also not completely because we had already hooked up earlier in the week and he stuck around for hours after the first time so that didn’t totally add up –

Anyways, he’s spewing these bullshit excuses as to why he “should probably go/not sleep over” and at that point I’m just annoyed because he’s such a bad liar so I didn’t even fight him on it, I was just like “ok go then, I’m tired too so bye” BUT THEN this dude is like hanging on my door and keeps wanting to kiss me and won’t ACTUALLY GTFO OF MY APARTMENT even though apparently it’s some “big deal” and absolutely imperative that he leaves… like okay…

So of course he finally goes and part of me wants to stay up and analyze all this because GIRL BRAIN but also at this point I’m so exhausted because it’s like 2 AM so I just go to sleep.

The next morning I’m doing my day off thang and I’m at Ikea looking at mirrors because I need one when I get this text:

“Hey I had a great time with you last night 😀 I really appreciated the chill, especially after this week. I wanted to address something, before we continue on with things. I just did get out of a little something, was a heavy thing.. I’m really not gearing to get serious, I’m pretty centred around my career right now. I’ve been vibing that you are looking for something a bit more. I really don’t want to string you along, you are really fantastic and I like you of course but I gotta slow up and just focus on what’s at hand. I respect you and don’t want to make you feel whack at any point so I’m saying this now.”

This is when I realized I’m that emoji because I looked up from my phone at the wall of mirrors in front of me and there it was, instant unenthused side-eye and a semi-frown. Like F this guy for real. You wanna be all cute and talk about your feels and then LESS THAN 24 HOURS LATER be all “oh just kidding and this is a me problem but I’m gonna make it sound like it’s something YOU did or a vibe I got from YOU”…

middle finger emoji

GTFoff my lawn with your vibe shit and your assumption that I was expecting anything from you. Don’t flatter your damn self either. Those “intimate moments” between us? That dinner I made for you? Boy CHILL, I just took you for a test-drive and now you’re trying to act like I’m gonna fall in love with you or some shit? Like take SEVERAL SEATS.

Here’s what’s the most annoying. Somehow I keep finding these men who right off the bat want to wife me and say shit like “you’re so amazing and how are you single and oh I feel so lucky and geez you’re so cool” yet what they all neglect to include in their fanboy rave is “but hey just kidding I’m going to waste your time because you’re a real grown ass woman and oops I’m a f*boy who doesn’t know wtf to do with any of that so uhh yeah I’ve been vibing that you’re wanting something a bit more”.

STOP BREATHING MY DAMN AIR. Find wherever it is that you hid your balls and put them to good use and just freaking admit to yourself that I’m too much woman for you. Own your shit and stop making it about me and what I’m doing when YOU decide that YOU can’t handle honesty/commitment/a real conversation/a grown woman. I mean I really do feel like this is darwinian, the relational weak are weeding themselves out for me. They’re showing me that they suck right off the bat so I don’t waste any precious time. With this dude, I’m mostly just mad that I made him a big Italian pasta feast for dinner because now I’m out of pesto and it’s a Saturday night and the last thing I want to do is grocery shop. Asshole.


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