Ms. Amy said it best when she asked “What kind of fuckery is this?”
WHAT KIND you guys, what kind of fuckery.
Who knew that being honest and open and transparent about some very real and legitimate fears would render me being dumped over a text message?
Can I point out the fact that this isn’t the first, but the SECOND time I’ve said “I love you” to have it be thrown back in my face? BRUHHH. I’ve been going about this all wrong.
The kind of honesty we’re talking about is, I let him read my previous post, Independence Days. I actually literally sent him the link being like “this is how I’m feeling and I’ve laid it out very clearly so please tell me what you think.”
I 100% didn’t expect him to come completely unravelled like he did. I thought that he was a man of sound mind which would mean he’d understand my uncertainties about being completely committed to someone who I’ve never met in person and who I’ve only been speaking with for under 2 months. Because that’s sanity. That’s normalcy. That’s living life at a sustainable pace, NOT the speed of light like he was doing. But no… no. He claps back saying he can’t be in a relationship with “someone like (me).” So let’s break down what that Someone Like list is composed of, shall we?
First I’ll tell you how I got this list of “me”. A dear friend of mine, whose house I visited the day after my break-up, sat down with me to talk things out and asked me to write a list of the ideal qualities/characteristics my future man will have:
- financially stable
- can cook
- has life experience
- has a purpose-driven career
- doesn’t have/want children
- sexually present
- patient & non-violent
- has good hygiene
- understands privilege
- is a feminist/equality enthusiast
- listens to me
- treats me as an equal
- loves unconditionally
- exercises self-control
- treasures me
- okay with dissonance
- body confident
- okay with discomfort
- emotionally intelligent
So okay, I get it. This is quite a list. But it’s certainly not unrealistic. Here’s where it comes down to the truth though – after my friend read my list, she held it up in front of me and said, “Surprise, this list is YOU! YOU are these things, these are YOUR qualities! You need someone like you!”
So given this information, why would I want to be with a man who doesn’t want to/can’t be with someone like me, especially when “me” is made of so much goodness and honesty and reality?
“What kind of fuckery are we? Nowadays you don’t mean dick to me.”
BLESS YOU AMY WINEHOUSE, you beautiful orbiting angel goddess, for your brevity.
Here’s what I can’t wrap my brain around. I keep thinking about how things went down, how the relationship ended so abruptly, and his “reasoning” for it, and I’ve come to realize that he was essentially strangling me with a tight leash of affection. Such a strange combination, right? Really though – flying off the handle and becoming legitimately angry at me for openly communicating (which he constantly pressured me to do and would chastise me for if I did it “wrong” as if he wrote the book on communication) and making decisions that had nothing to do with him, because apparently “we’re a team now, you can’t just make decisions without me” – ummmm….
Since when does being in a relationship mean I have to hand over my brain and my rights to make decisions about my own life? Being with someone doesn’t mean that if they jump off a cliff, you’re just supposed to blindly follow. That’s insane and will end VERY badly.
Not to mention, he kept making it sound like I was wrong for being uncomfortable with his lack of financial stability and kept saying that he didn’t think I believed in his dreams/goals/plans/whatever. Let’s think about that though – what he’s got going, while original in terms of content and execution, does not provide enough income to support him, no less me. This would be a whole lot more acceptable if he were just getting his life started, say, in his early 20s. But he’s 30!!! He is a 30-year-old man!!! A 30-year-old man whose plane ticket *I* had to book and pay for because he couldn’t gather the $300 odd bucks to get himself here to see me. So is it unfair of me to not believe in his program? I believe in it. I honestly do. I think it’s an incredible thing that he’s working toward, but if it doesn’t provide enough income to allow for a $300 spend, then I think it’s time to re-examine some things because reality is bills and rent and living expenses and I’m not trying to be with someone long-term who I have to provide for at any point.
Anyways… back to my previous antics. And honestly… now that the choke-chain has been removed, I’m feeling a lot better. I like my independence, I have several avenues by which I can quench the occasional bouts of loneliness, and I’m going to continue to thrive, because